Life, no rose garden.

As I watch time pass by, month by month, I am starting to understand that I can no longer ignore the most ignored truth of my up to now life. It is like a burning sensation, buzzing somewhere deep in my brain. 😀 Conceal, don’t feel is a way to avoid the inevitable for now, but I know my future me would kick my butt for it. Temporarily, I’m willing to risk it, though. 😀

Truth is, I cannot behave like a child anymore. The sooner I take the responsibility for my life, the better life it will be. The fact I still live with my parents and therefore I don’t have to worry about anything other than school is a luxury, that makes my present struggle even worse. At first glance, nothing forces me to do anything more than I’m used to (read nothing). But. In a year and a half, I am going to finish the med school, get a title and start a completely new phase of life. I will move out from my parents, I will start making some money (hopefully), I will start doing..everything adults have to do. Of course it has its pros, freedom, adventures, blah blah…but for now, I am more concerned about the cons. (And there is no point in it, I know. But the more I think about it the more I am convinced about my own disability to survive this. Like really, I’m totally unexperienced, total dummie in every actually useful thing imaginable and I don’t have the…ferocity or something…which I believe is needed to thrive, these days.) Year and a half. 18 months. Tick tock.

So, if I stop pretending all this doesn’t exist, in a year and a half I may have an actual chance to ..well.. prosper, somehow. I know, that my future me depends on my present me to start taking this seriously, meaning improving my English and more importantly German, getting as many practical skills as possible, start creating my motivational letters and CV and actively look for any opportunity of any kind to make myself interesting to my future employer.

Theoretically, I am ready.

Practically, I am ready to jump off the nearest cliff. I am terrified. Which is normal. Which is not helping. I have this paranoid feeling that every single person is dealing with this better than me, that everyone has started already, smoothly and without any doubt or difficulty.

I know comparing myself to anyone is the worst thing I can do. Also, I know that all I can promise to my future self, is to do the very best I can now, even if it means doing less than what others do. The worst part is, no matter how urgent my need to work, work, work is, I still look for any possible excuse to neglect everything and enjoy the last days/weeks/months of carelessness. I know it is dumb, but I am not yet ready to stop being lazy. 😀 Will I ever be? I don’t think so. I just hope, someday the buzzing will overcome the rest. I know myself good enough to see I am not ready to make this step, indeed. I wouldn’t last, if I started now, I need to sort my thoughts and fears first. And until I am ready, I’m doing just a little something here and there. That’s my best for now.

Meanwhile, I’m distracting myself the usual way. Observe.

I have mastered the henna! And I love this coppery look.

And the party with my girls, yes. 🙂

I’ve decided lipsticks are cool and classy, so I’m trying to get used to them.

I have baked my very first, super uggly muffins. Seriously, guys, how do you make the things look so beautiful? Those three in the back row even made their way down off the plate. Mysterious. Yummy, though.