Perks of being a med student #4.

I owe this to myself. I think one day I might be really sentimental upon reading this, year after year review.

The fourth year has been innovative in many ways. We have left the classrooms of the university and entered the hospitals, experiencing a hint of a real life, that is awaiting us all this time. After the years of whining that we don’t get to see a living patient, we got to see nothing but the living patients so now we can ramble about how good the old times were. 😀

I was scared from the start, because the vision of 16 exams in one year seemed unbearable to me. And I was right, in a way. It meant for us to go go go, with one exam finished, you could celebrate by studying for the next one, with almost no time to rest in between. By the end of the year I really was exhausted, the last three exams were truly not so about the knowledge but more about the will. But there was a bright side, of course. Quite some, actually.

First, I was finished with my exams by the end of May. Which is the soonest I’ve been done with the school ever. There was the fellowship after that, but I don’t count that as “school”, entirely. Second, with no time to recover, there also wasn’t time for worrying, so after, say, tenth exam, I really felt my confidence grow and I’ve become more like “i did it before, i will do it this time again” instead of “oh my, this is gonna be so embarrassing”. Third, I learned to use my brain in a far more self-dependent mode. Often I had to combine the knowledge I gained from different branches of my studies, because I simply didn’t have the time to study everything through, so I had to count on coming up with something right away without any preparation. And when I learned to rely on that, I could afford to focus on the things I really had to study for.

So the fourth year was..good. One of the best. Many new things, as I have been describing them along the way, less time to be depressed. 😀

Throne of Glass.

There was a poster with this title, saying “for the Hunger Games fans”. So I obviously had to take a peek, if only on the couple of the first pages, to know if it would actually drag me in enough to read a fiction book.  Because I have the whole german thing to learn and since I am an adult, scientific articles would be of more use to me, naturally, I am now responsible, after all. 😀

Long story short, I’ve read the first part, the first book, in one day. Obviously, I have mastered time management as well, being an adult. With the second book I have started this morning and when reaching to one certain point of the plot, I’ve refused to continue. For now and maybe until the last book is released, because otherwise, it would haunt me not to know the end.

I certainly don’t wish to spoil the books for anyone, so I can just say a few things about it. The story line is kinda predictable, when you have some experience with this genre. Predictable, but rather smooth and intriguing, I must say. Given the main character being nearly perfect and what’s more important – a girl, I can’t see this book very suitable for a male reader, because in my experience, most men don’t have a patience and appreciation for the girly stuff accented here, and would only care for the main line. As a girl, I appreciated that what is clear to the reader from the beginning, becomes clear to the main character too, without useless broaching and you still get your fair share of romantic twist. Which is something that actually allows you relax while reading. Vividly imagining it, you are rooting for someone, it goes well, it is all sweet, you are happy. 😀 Simple.

And then it all falls apart (that you are expecting, because again – this is not the first book you’ve read. 😀 ) and I just don’t feel like reading any more of it, because I know however this one thing will be solved, it is out my reach, yet, because the last book is not available to me.

Because I’ve read it so quickly, because I devoured the first book as if my life depended on it, i can’t help  but to feel sorry the terrible thing happen and I feel even more sorry that it is impossible for me to get to the point, where the story is sweet again. I need my happyend! But..nevermind. I stop acting like a crazy person and I will return to the joys of my everyday life, with Deutsche Lehrbuch being the only book to distract me. 😀

Obviously, I miss reading other things than just textbooks. I was starved for this kind of enjoyment. What a whirlwind. I’ve almost forgotten what power the books hold. Movies just don’t offer such freedom. Your imagination runs using its own paths, your paths, that are shaped with your own experience and your own memories, so the story becomes familiar, you become appreciative of the features of the characters if they match the features you appreciate on real people and vice versa and the final creation is kinda yours, too.

I have a slight suspection I’m babbling incomprehensibly. 😀

So, this post does not have any particular sense other than I was so full of emotions I just had to write this down and ease the tense a little. I do realise how crazy/childish/weird it seems, but I am glad this weird thing happened. I feel like the eight-year-old and that’s not bad at all, here and there.

Transformation Thursday.

When you need to get something done, motivation is crucial. It can be lots of things – fear, sense of duty, knowing that you won’t get your peace unless the thing is done or even the special events such as wedding, prom.. Anything can be done if you’re serious about it, that’s what they say.

I’ve been following some transformation stories, lately, to get some inspiration for myself. Every day, every evening I’m dead serious about tomorrow being the Day. The day I stop eating too much, start exercising (for real, not just my 30min workouts) and finally stop fooling around. 😀 Maybe you have suchlike experience too. I have a deep respect for all the people who made it out of this place in your life, where every single day you say “nevermind, tomorrow”. 😀

Thing is, I know I’m so close to get real! So it’s even more frustrating I lack the final push. When I read all the stories of the people, they are generally all the same – those people felt terrible in their bodies, overweight, even obese for most of their lives, no self-esteem, even bullied sometimes, never knowing what to do about themselves, eating unhealthy, long story short, they kinda hit the bottom, which finally made them change. And, because the change was pretty huge, they’ve started to fell better almost instantly.

Again, I think it is amazing.

But.

Then there’s me. I know very well, what would be best for me. I like healthy food. I’m not used to drink supersweet sodas or such things. I consume quite an amount of vegetables and fruit, because we have our own garden and I’m used to it. I’ve found activities I like, dogwalking, hiking, treadmill. When I pay attention to it, I feel good in my body. Not great, I see my flaws and I’m camouflaging all my life, but it is definitely not that I hate myself and my body, since I know it is not my body’s fault that my size is somewhere between normal and plus size.

Almost daily I imagine myself fit and confident, killer body in some really chic dress, being the star to all the eyes, queen of the prom or something. But because I’m not particularly unhappy, I don’t have that concentrated power of will to really become this. Even though I cook healthy, I often cook too much and because I like the food, my portion would be big enough for family of three. 😀 Even though I know what a mess it is, sometimes I like those coffee cookies. And I don’t just mean one or two, I mean the whole package, because what the hell, I don’t do that every day, so what. 😀  And I could go on and on.  In the end, it’s always your own mindset you need to change. All the stories are inspiring, but that’s it. You still sit on your chair. Ah, good luck to us all. 😀

For Real.

I’ve realised I only have one holidays left as a student. As overwhelming as everything else about the future, this fact had a huge impact on me. Or no, maybe ‘impact’ is not the right word. Maybe I’m just starting to see that the future really is going to happen. 😀

These are some of the photos I’ve taken during the summer. When I see those of my friends, travelling all around the world, I can’t help but to feel a bit jealous. On the other hand, here I’m having a good time too and maybe, in some way, that’s even more satisfying, since it’s always harder to find the good impulses in environment you know so well and consider exhausted, when it comes to new experience. 🙂

I know all this would be better with some comment. But I don’t feel like it. I feel like I can just look at the photos and enjoy the atmosphere. Join me or excuse me for not saying anything about this. 🙂

                                                            

Georgian Lesson.

I discovered electroswing. So much for the title. 😀

How’s your summer going?

“Manners maketh man.”.

I’ve seen Kingsman movie and this quote has touched me nearly as it has touched Eggsy. And, as I believe, as it has not touched everyone as it should have. 😀 I know that in our times it often seems totally useless to maintain any virtues of the old times, especially when “the lady” is screaming ugly things at you right on the street full of strangers. Many people don’t seem to have a sense to actually understand the politeness and nobility, that you’re trying to treat them with, but I still believe that it is the way to go, even if not appreciated. Because, after all, you are doing it for yourself, not them.

If you want to change the world, start with the man in the mirror.

I have, actually. It’s been my life-time goal to act and be considered “a lady”. Not by this exact word, maybe, (especially because I sense something not-quite-right about this word, used by today’s people.), but in my own eyes. Be classy, polite, but witty and educated, calm and quiet, but confident. The royalty of people. I have always been careful not to party too hard, for example, because I didn’t want anyone to see me wasted. Not ladylike.

Sometimes it was a spontaneity killer. Sometimes, I have been hiding behind this noble reason just because I felt too insecure about letting my true self out. I could have been hiding behind something way worse, I guess. 😀 🙂 What I don’t control quite as much would be my language. Being a student, among other students, we are not exactly Ivy League. 😀 That’s probably normal, but I still think I should work on that. Constantly. 🙂

Also, I like wearing dresses and I like women wearing them. I like the idea of accepting your role as a woman (however unconventional, though, I don’t mean the role of the sandwich-maker, of course. 😀 If you feel like the woman who breaks the records in some man’s discipline, that works for me just like the women who feel the best when they can stay at home taking care of their loved ones. The true charm is to find and accept in what identity you feel happy.) As a doctor-to-be I’m majoring a field where men are still in charge and for the record, I think they should be, multiple reasons. Especially in this environment, I feel very good highlighting that yes, I am a woman doctor. I wear dress and I have jewelry and hair and make-up and suck it. 😀 Life would be much simpler, if I just gave up on this, but I think it is worth the effort not to. Taking care of yourself is a basic thing. I don’t always manage, but again – life-time goal.

I know, that the old times are never coming back. It is our own doing and the-old-time-hollywood-ish days were not so perfect as they seem, too. But it is a never-ending source of inspiration for me. And I hope to meet people who agree with me on this one. 🙂

Now here’s a photo of a true lady. Watch and learn. 😀

The devil is not so black as he is painted.

The ultimate truth we all know. With a silent respect for the old wisdom in all the proverbs I must say I am once again relieved. The worst case scenario – that the eye surgery would turn wrong, leaving me in blindness and life-changing situation I was so not prepared for didn’t happen. And even the internship is not so much of a disaster and my biggest personal success – I am capable of being an assistant surgeon, after all! I am new to this, yes, (read: mess), but I don’t faint! I don’t panic! I don’t do anything inappropriate! Woohooo. Really, it is a great news for me. During the school I got to be assistant only once and due to the lack of sleep, food and water and because I was so nervous about it, I almost fainted and had to stand back from the surgery, leaving the poor doctor in a very undesirable position. I felt terribly embarrassed and scared, that after 4 years of med school I’m finding out I can’t even do what every other student can and what actually is a basic need for a doctor in training.

Until now, I have assisted to three surgeries and I actually enjoy it. It’s not much and it’s possible, that I will be fainting here and there, when the conditions are not be good for me, but knowing it is not anything regular, that’s the comfort I was hoping for. 🙂

Also, the view from the hospital is this beautiful! :

About the eyes.

You hear a lot about these surgeries, that they are technologically perfect, thousands of happy clients praise it, but when you are about to let the weird laser thing actually cut your own eye in your full consciousness (just in local anesthesia), you get second thoughts. Then, when you’re told to focus your sight on the little green light, that eventually disappears, you get paranoid and you are pretty sure you’re squinting and the laser is cutting something wrong off. Then everything is blurry and you are crying a river and you are told everything is fine and normal, you go home and you sense how it is getting better with every nap you take and all this time you’re hoping for the best, using the eyedrops exactly as you were told to and after week or more, you’re starting to see normally and you are like “pfew, okay, the worst part is probably over..” and as the anxiety goes, you’re beginning to feel confident about everything again and suddenly the minor things (like you mustn’t use any make-up for 2-3 weeks after the surgery, you mustn’t bathe anywhere, you mustn’t rub your eyes, you have to shower with your eyes closed, you shouldn’t exercise  etc.) become annoying. 😀 And you are just counting days and thinking “come on now, eyes, heal quicker, heal quicker!” and you are just the brat you were before. 😀 Also, selfies? Not so much fun, for the blind people. And yes, I’m kinda sorry I won’t have a nice photo of me as a young surgeon, since I look like a zombie without any makeup on. What a shallow creature I am. :)) 

This summer is the one.

Ignoring my upcoming internship in surgery, I consider my 4th year of med school finished.

(My upcoming internship in surgery is something that’s been haunting me for months and I expect it to become a real life nightmare, since I am a total mess the minute someone asks me to do anything during the surgery.)

That means I have three beautiful free months to live as a normal person! As every year, I have my holiday-resolutions. To get in shape, to live to the fullest, to be adventurous, to try new things with new people, to learn German and keep improving my English…long story short, this year I totally won’t be lazy. 😀 I can almost see my shoulder shrug by the end of September, knowing that..well..maybe next year. Nevermind. But who knows, maybe I have grown to the point I will get at least something done.

The new thing is, I’m going to get my eye laser surgery, next week. I can’t say I am completely calm about it, but I’m looking forward to it like crazy! No more glasses! I take it as some kind of symbol, actually. The new glasses-less me. I always need some impulse to get things moving and I see this thing as very promising.

Glasses are not a bad thing, nowadays. Many people wear them even if they don’t need them, when looking for new sophisticated-ish look, but for a person who actually needs to wear them and is kinda useless without them, the glasses never stop being a stigma of a kind. Of course you get used to it, even wear some that really suit you, but the minute it starts to rain and you can’t see a thing and have to rub them every other second.. Also, you are a certain archetype in society. Clever, maybe, but also a geek, sometimes, or “the one into the books more than people”…many prejudices still reign. 😀 They are not among the worst, of course, it is not so bad to be considered clever, I suppose, but you just don’t see a typical party girl as the one who wears the glasses. Because let’s be honest – the girl with the glasses just won’t dance like crazy and won’t do a headstand or jump into the pool, because she would lose or crash completely her not-so-cheap glasses. And after that, she would be just totally blind and party’s over. 😀

So, wish me luck. I know about any complication that could occur. Perks of being a med student. But …I hope for the best! 🙂

Life, no rose garden.

As I watch time pass by, month by month, I am starting to understand that I can no longer ignore the most ignored truth of my up to now life. It is like a burning sensation, buzzing somewhere deep in my brain. 😀 Conceal, don’t feel is a way to avoid the inevitable for now, but I know my future me would kick my butt for it. Temporarily, I’m willing to risk it, though. 😀

Truth is, I cannot behave like a child anymore. The sooner I take the responsibility for my life, the better life it will be. The fact I still live with my parents and therefore I don’t have to worry about anything other than school is a luxury, that makes my present struggle even worse. At first glance, nothing forces me to do anything more than I’m used to (read nothing). But. In a year and a half, I am going to finish the med school, get a title and start a completely new phase of life. I will move out from my parents, I will start making some money (hopefully), I will start doing..everything adults have to do. Of course it has its pros, freedom, adventures, blah blah…but for now, I am more concerned about the cons. (And there is no point in it, I know. But the more I think about it the more I am convinced about my own disability to survive this. Like really, I’m totally unexperienced, total dummie in every actually useful thing imaginable and I don’t have the…ferocity or something…which I believe is needed to thrive, these days.) Year and a half. 18 months. Tick tock.

So, if I stop pretending all this doesn’t exist, in a year and a half I may have an actual chance to ..well.. prosper, somehow. I know, that my future me depends on my present me to start taking this seriously, meaning improving my English and more importantly German, getting as many practical skills as possible, start creating my motivational letters and CV and actively look for any opportunity of any kind to make myself interesting to my future employer.

Theoretically, I am ready.

Practically, I am ready to jump off the nearest cliff. I am terrified. Which is normal. Which is not helping. I have this paranoid feeling that every single person is dealing with this better than me, that everyone has started already, smoothly and without any doubt or difficulty.

I know comparing myself to anyone is the worst thing I can do. Also, I know that all I can promise to my future self, is to do the very best I can now, even if it means doing less than what others do. The worst part is, no matter how urgent my need to work, work, work is, I still look for any possible excuse to neglect everything and enjoy the last days/weeks/months of carelessness. I know it is dumb, but I am not yet ready to stop being lazy. 😀 Will I ever be? I don’t think so. I just hope, someday the buzzing will overcome the rest. I know myself good enough to see I am not ready to make this step, indeed. I wouldn’t last, if I started now, I need to sort my thoughts and fears first. And until I am ready, I’m doing just a little something here and there. That’s my best for now.

Meanwhile, I’m distracting myself the usual way. Observe.

I have mastered the henna! And I love this coppery look.

And the party with my girls, yes. 🙂

I’ve decided lipsticks are cool and classy, so I’m trying to get used to them.

I have baked my very first, super uggly muffins. Seriously, guys, how do you make the things look so beautiful? Those three in the back row even made their way down off the plate. Mysterious. Yummy, though.

Naturally.

We are surrounded by chemistry. This enlighted realization came to me suddenly, almost unexpected. 😀 Lately, I have read many articles, independently, talking about hormonal contraception and hormones in general, heavy metals, free radicals, pollution, wastewater and so on. It is something we don’t really take notice of, on daily basis, since it is not causing any visible, acute harm to us. Of course there is a growing incidence of allergies, infertility, even cancer, but do you see a direct connection between any of these and, for example, hormonally stimulated chicken we eat almost daily (because it is healthier then the red meat, of course.)? Neither do I. And maybe there is none. It has never been proven. Point is, we don’t have a slightest idea, what is happening to us and what is happening to our environment. There are trends, here and there, people are crazy about bio and raw food, but is it really? Do the biofarms use some strictly watched water source, non-polluted air and the soil? They try, I guess, but I’m afraid the contamination, the balance changes are inevitable.

I don’t neccessarily think all the changes are bad. Some of them are natural. Some of them, as I believe, are evolution. Species extinction is disturbing and it is probably just our doing, but on the other hand, we’ve seen such things already, didn’t we. Remember T-Rex? And optimist as I am, I think that the minute we cross the line, our species is doomed as well. And maybe we already have crossed it, who knows. But the planet, the nature, will go on in some – changed – way.

Well, this post should have been about my first attempts to replace the chemical hair dye with all natural Henna. It should have been rather funny, because I haven’t quite yet dominated the whole process of covering my head into the mud, even though I found a great relax in it. It seems I’m just not in very funny mood. Hormones, maybe. 😉

But, at least, I have to recommend it. I am not ready to give up more chemicals in my life, such as deodorants, makeup and perfumes, for I live in a society (and I’m used to it all my life) which is not eager or ready to go back to the roots and I think it would end as a disaster, if it was forced to, somehow, we no longer know how to work with nature, anymore. I don’t even want to, to be honest. I like the perfumes and makeup. 😀 But the hair dye, that is something I can live without. You see, every girl I know wants to have shiny awesome hair and I believe this is exactly the place where nature can help the most. Moreover, when I mix the henna powder with cinnamon and black tea and olive oil and lemon juice, it feels like an art, something between alchemy and cooking. And I find it extremely pleasant then, when I smell my hair and I don’t smell ammonium but the cinnamon, for a change. Not to mention the whole ceremony of ..let’s say applying the mud on your hair (and not just the hair, sadly. Nothing in about one meter radius is safe. :D)  When my boyfriend saw me doing it, he said he loved me even more, with that pretty little scared sparkle in his eyes. 😀 So, go and find your own natural ceremony. Reconnect, somehow. It is rewarding.

Or practise yoga or something, like normal people do.

War of the Sexes

What a serious title, isn’t it. I believe that in many parts of the Earth this is very urgent topic, for the women rights are not yet established as we, the old Europe, the crib of the civilization, would like them to be.  I know my view might be spoiled, naive, unrealistic. And I do realise I’m from the lucky ones, free to have my own view and even share it.

However, I think gender equality is nonsense. At least in common language, as you can see it next to the posters with “men are useless, more power to women”. That’s just sad.

When it comes to wages, for example – yes, every individual should be paid the same for the same quality and same amount of work, regardless the gender  …as well as the race, the age, the social background and anything else you could think of. In my opinion, the important thing is “the same amount, the same quality”, not the criteria. Beautiful thing about people is the diversity, the individual talents. If I became a superskilled lumberjack, I would expect to be paid better, than other, rather average, lumberjacks. 😀

My point is – why all the bad blood about setting the same standards for both sexes? I think far more important issue is to ensure the freedom of choice. Lisa wants to become a soldier, Mary wants to live a quiet life with her children somewhere in the suburbs and why not? Lisa may be terrible mother and Mary would probably kill her co-soldiers by accident the minute she would be given the gun. As long as they know their place, everything’s fine, isn’t it?

I get the evolutionary standards and I even agree with them, partially. I think women are just better with children, generally, and I would definitely choose a man as my bodyguard, if I was in danger. The opportunity to prove yourself in the field of your choice, thet would be IT. Unrealistic, naive. 🙂

I just think the true beauty about all this is to make the most out of your personal skills. You can be great with words, you can be the best strategist, you can be breathtakingly beautiful or perfectly ordinary, but when you find a place where this one thing is the one most useful..voilá. Anything else should not matter. But, to be honest, I don’t think we’re ever gonna get there. There are far too many things in the way, the secret motives, simple envy, the lack of self criticism..among many others. The drawback of the human nature. So, individually, let’s do our personal best! 😉